Practical Advice from my Worst Self

In case of fire
splash each other
with kerosene
and run. The kerosene will combine
with the adrenaline
to up your speed considerably.

In case of inclement weather
send the children outside
with no coats.
When they return,
dry them off. Dissolve
Lemsip in limoncello
and encourage them to chug it.

In case of tiger attack
keep kibble handy.
If no kibble, offer the children
once they’re wasted
on the limoncello.
The paracetamol in the Lemsip
should protect them from the pain.

In case of alien invasion
douse the ships with kerosene.
Offer the aliens limoncello.
(Reserve the remaining Lemsip
for the tiger’s hangover.) Persuade the aliens
of the benefits of a tobacco habit.
Give them a lighter with a Union Jack on it to take home.

In case of an unexpected visit from the Queen
hide the aliens under the carpet
and the tiger behind the curtains.
Turn the photos of the children face down.
Crack open the limoncello.
Smoke a cigarette with her Majesty.
Explain that you gave away your more patriotic lighter.

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